“beyond wandpoint” 026 by gingerbred
Mar. 20th, 2019 01:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beyondwandpoint“11 09g Sunday - The Real Me”
Severus and Hermione
In which some unpleasant truths are discussed.
(Once again, the author respectfully points towards the warnings and kindly asks that you know what you're doing.)
Originally Published: 2017-11-30 on AO3
Chapter: 026
Pairing: Hermione Granger / Severus Snape
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
He wonders if he's being contrary, which is stupid, because of course he's being contrary; it's practically a defining trait. To be fair, in his experience, if the masses are thinking or doing a thing, it's the best possible indication that it needs serious reconsidering. Being contrary is a blessing, one he came by too late. He's seen it consistently demonstrated that groups, in general, can be relied upon to make poor decisions...
But there are no groups here.
Here there's only Albus, himself and Miss Granger, the mean intelligence of those involved so far above the average as to make this an intriguing negotiation. If their purposes were aligned, they should surely arrive at a very promising solution. And therein lies the rub, for they are almost definitely not pursuing the same purposes, and most assuredly not communicating openly about the concerns weighing on each of them.
"You are correct, a Geas is nothing to take lightly. And I am not exactly... delighted by the prospect of being subject to one. However, this solution does provide some important protections for me, and I'm sorry to say that those benefits greatly outstrip the costs. That's how bad things have gotten. Did he speak to you of that at all?"
"Only very vaguely."
"I can appreciate why." He presses his lips together into a thin, tense line, and considers how to proceed. He is fairly certain that she needs to know, or at least better grasp what this means for him so that she doesn't see this as being just for her benefit. It isn't. They would both be getting something vital from this, and it is only fair that she understands that.
It is also unlikely that if she is living in his quarters, she won't at some point come to have a clearer picture of what his role as a double agent can mean. Undoubtedly it would be better, if that were going to present problems, that she should be aware of the issues and back out before they commit to something irreversible.
This will be far from agreeable.
"I think we should rectify that. May we?" She looks worried, but nods without hesitation. "I have your word that nothing we discuss here now will be revealed to anyone else by any means until I permit it?"
"Of course, you have my Oath." A ripple of magic flows over her. The number of these Oaths is beginning to accumulate. She wonders when that should become worrisome.
"You understand what I do for the Order?"
"You are Dumbledore's spy in Voldemort's ranks."
"Which means they have to take me for a loyal Death Eater." She blinks. Swallows. It's obvious, naturally, but a little harsh when put so clearly and matter of factly. Of course, if that's tough to hear, it will go downhill quickly from here.
"To convince them that I am loyal, I am expected to participate as any other follower would. In fact, given I am considered to be their spy here, and something of a double agent, sometimes demands are made of me that aren't made of everyone else, by which I am expected to prove my loyalty. These are life and death situations. To refuse means death." She blinks some more, but remains silent. It's incredibly difficult watching how easily he confronts the possibility of his murder.
"Death means I have failed in my mission, which I am pledged not to do unless I am physically incapable of going any further. The key word there is 'physically'. Not 'morally', not 'ethically'; it doesn't matter in the least how my soul fares or how I feel about a thing. If it is required of me, I will do it, if humanly possible. That, by the way, is what you would be bonded to. Consider it carefully. It's hardly... pleasant."
Now she's really lost, because no one has ever spoken that openly about any of this to her, and she really isn't sure what to think about it. She's ill prepared. It's a fairly unique occurrence for her.
"Several integral members of the Dark Lord's inner circle are devolving. Very extremely. I expect many of them weren't all that sane to begin with. The years in Azkaban with the Dementors won't have helped. They are becoming increasingly more extreme, more cruel in their behaviours. And also less trusting of those who aren't. Bear in mind, refusal most likely means death, and consider where that leaves more moderate Death Eaters. Or where that leaves me.
"One such... activity I have thus far avoided is rape." Her eyes go wide. Given the events of Friday night, this is an impossibly difficult topic for her right now, but still he pushes on, relentlessly and almost devoid of emotion. "There are those who are very much aware that I have managed to do so, and it is... probable that in the near future it will be... demanded of me."
He stops and lets that sink in. She has absolutely no idea how to respond to any of this. Wisely, she just remains silent and waits. When he realises she won't challenge anything he's said, he carries on.
"The idea is that the Fidelity Vow of the bond would make that an impossibility. That is what I am getting out of this. And believe me, celibacy is far preferable to the alternatives."
"You're saying you might at some point be asked to kill someone, but you'd prefer to draw the line at rape..." She's doing her level best not to be judgmental, and she's reasonably successful, managing to keep her tone fairly neutral, but she's really struggling here. This is so far outside the realm of her experience. Just a few days ago, she was sitting in this man's classroom. Less than two days ago, he was coming to her rescue... It's hard to reconcile that with what he's telling her.
"No, Miss Granger, it's not that I might be 'asked to kill someone'. I have been, and I have done. Repeatedly. Make no mistake about that. You'd be bonded to a murderer." He could soften it. There's plenty of room to make those actions far less reprehensible. Justified. Officially sanctioned. All part of the duties of a soldier at war, and certainly for a spy. But it's best if she sees the absolute worst. If she can cope with it, there's truly hope.
She's quiet for a long time. He wonders then when she outgrew the wriggling little girl from his classroom, so eager to speak on all topics, her hand waving madly in the air. In front of him sits a thoughtful woman, who considers her options carefully before she leaps. For her part, Hermione is wrestling with some of the realities of this war with which she has just been confronted.
Until something shifts in her mind, and a few things suddenly fall into place.
"Rape." That makes him flinch slightly. It turns out plain speech is just as evocative when she uses it. "You said before I was at risk. Is that one of the risks?"
"If you were ever captured, almost definitely. I should have thought Friday proved not only that, but that it's even a real threat within these walls."
"And that was why you were so desperate to stop them? You nearly killed yourself in the process."
"I have strong feelings on the matter." She considers that an understatement, all considered. "Many times I have had to stand idly by. This time I was able to do something, so I did."
"And that was worth risking your life? Because you did. Or did you misjudge the risk?"
"No. It was worth the risk."
"I don't think my life was at risk Friday..."
"Most likely it wasn't," he agrees.
"And still you felt it worth risking your life? Even though mine wasn't in danger?"
"Again, for once I was able to act without endangering my standing with the Death Eaters in the process. And I considered it probable that I'd recover. As indeed I have. To be clear, the extra measures I took to spy for the Order were probably what put me over the line."
"Carrying me to the Infirmary while practically bleeding out was what put you over the line." Her tone brooks no argument, and he doesn't respond. She's probably right anyway. She thinks for another moment. "And presumably the Fidelity Vow would offer me the same protection. You couldn't be forced to rape. And no one could rape me."
He nods.
"We live in a horrible world." He gives a faint snort in agreement. She's right, what can he say?
Hermione thinks about all the things he said, and can't help coming back to all the things he didn't say. This man risked his life for her. He's demanding nothing in return, on the contrary, he seems determined to scare her off. Less than two days ago, he placed his life on the line to save her. He took her oh so carefully in his arms and carried her, on his last legs, all the way to the Infirmary and demanded she be treated first. He was so gentle. So considerate. And she knows he's underselling himself here. Putting his worst foot forward. She needs this one straight answer.
"It was worth it to you to risk your life Friday to stop a single rape?"
"Miss Granger, it was very probably a gang rape I stopped, but yes, it would still have been worth it to me had there been only a single assailant. But had there been only one assailant, I probably wouldn't have been in any danger..." he feels compelled to add.
He still seems to feel the need to distract from and bury his affirmative, but she's on to him. She has only one more question. She gives him a long look before asking, "Do you even want this?"
He pays her the courtesy of answering honestly. This is another thing he hadn't bothered contemplating, so sure was he that she'd reject this plan before it became an issue. "I don't want this. I doubt you do either. But I very probably need this, and the Headmaster has made it very clear: I am supposed to try to make it happen."
"Where does that leave you?" She wonders aloud. It's almost amusing. He really can't seem to give a straight answer, even when their conversation is protected by an Oath. And then it occurs to her that might just be because he doesn't have them...
"I don't know." He sounds almost a little surprised as he admits it. "I expect waiting for your decision."
"Then I'm willing if you are."
Somehow that didn't go the way he thought it would.
A/N:
Hey, I prefer people to be *better* and not worse off for having encountered me. If a *single* one of you needs me to put up warnings on chapters, I happily will. But I'd rather not if it isn't helpful. *Please* just let me know.
- Ginger